recently
In August, the sky weeps, the asphalt glistens, and my loafers glide along the streets, these streets that are slowly seeping into the daily motions of life, rewriting the routine that I once held so closely to my heart.
I wrote before that I was afraid. Afraid of what? Everything and nothing at all simultaneously. Of never being more than what I was born into—grey mornings and settling for what will catch you when you fall—and of forgetting my way back home. Of distance, too. Hearts don't always grow fonder with the miles. Out of all people, I would know.
I was a lonely child, surrounded by all the toys and storybooks a girl could ever want, and my inexplicable deep melancholy aged me, set me apart from my peers, pushing me out of social conformity even further. I think that, most often than not, man deludes themselves into a tomorrow which will not come into their arms, in order to keep the wolf from the door, which is the dread that reinvents itself constantly with the motions and stride of daily life. My formative pre-teen years and the rest of my teen years was utterly miserable, with fleeting moments of reprieve and amusement in-between. The patterns occurring throughout my life taught me that the absence of expectations had a more profound emotional impact on me than the smug pleasure of knowing my expectations were met by an external figure or force. Like MJ said, expect disappointment and you will never be disappointed, or something like that.
That being said, I knew college wasn't going to be what I thought it would be as a child. What I knew about the epic highs and lows of college was all derived from Pitch Perfect. To this day, a part of me still craves that life - a Bella at heart. I like my uni. It's fine. I'm not going to rely on the curriculum and professors for intellectual nourishment and challenges, I've taken it upon myself to branch out beyond campus. I'm currently enrolled in a dev. psych. course and AP English 1. These online courses are meant to be completed within 8 weeks and I'm determined to pass them. To prepare myself and to prove something, too, not just to other people, but to myself.
Aside from the workload (apart from my online courses, I have eleven courses this semester so that's full units, and I also have a commission I'm working on!), which I can handle just fine if I'm being frank as I'm used to the pressure, one of my concerns is the social aspects of entering and navigating a new environment.
I grew up with boys. I never had a problem with playing or speaking rough. I was in a male-dominated field in my last two years of high school. Teenage boys are crude and often not aware of their own silhoutte. They wield fuck and shit like it's the key to going from boy to men. I think that the years I spent with them stunted my ability to socialize with girls to an extent. In grade school I struggled with starting and maintaining female friendships, and now history is repeating. I don't know how to conduct myself in a behavior that will endear me to these girls, I don't know what directions I should steer our conversations into, I don't know how to respond to their casual displays of affection and sisterhood. It's all a bit of a blooming, buzzing confusion to me right now.
I want to reconnect with the remnants of my femininity. I am still in the process of defining what girlhood is to me and the transitional period to womanhood hangs in the distance. But I don't know how, really. I'm still learning and I hope I don't fuck up too much. The people I am closest to in my class are currently guys. They are easier to read and they say what's on their mind. They are also significantly more well-behaved than the guys at my old class, which is a relief.
I hope that like Beca, I will become a girl who has a lot of friends who are also girls. I want to experience that in college. I'm a Bella at heart, after all. I am afraid, as always, but only in the presence of fear an individual could truly find courage inward and extend that externally.